SIGNS..

So I went for a billet reading at Eclectic by Nature this past week done by Bob Benz.  Bob used to live in Lilydale, NY, and he does these like once a month, and he also teaches mediumship and psychic classes as well.  A billet reading is where you write down a question on a piece of paper and fold it up, then lay it on the table.  Bob picks up your paper and does a reading on your energy and then answers the question on the paper prior to looking at the question.  He also has some of his students at these readings who also do readings, which is part of their requirement of his class.  It can be a lot of fun.

So last week I drag my friend Roz with me to check it out.  Bob did about 5 readings, and then he allowed one of his mediumship students to do a reading, and she asked me if I minded if she come into my energy, which, of course, I told her not at all!  =)  She first said she had an older gentleman there with her, and asked if my father was still alive, which he is.  She said that he was his father - which was really kewl, because I had never had my grandfather come through to me before.  She said he told her that my father looked like him, and I said.. no, in fact, my father looks exactly like his mother.  She then said that while he looks like his mother, they as people are exactly alike.  I found this odd, and shared with her that I would not know that, as he passed when I was a baby.  She then said that he said he and my father were alike, and while she seemed kind of confused, he had said it was his loss that he did not see me grow up.  She then said he was showing her a picture of a car handle and him grabbing it - and asked if my father drives.  Yes, my father drives, I think - and she said he kept trying to grab the handle, and said it was almost like he was saying he had to get a handle on things.  She also said he spends a lot of time with me.

All of this was rather bewildering to me, because I do not have any kind of recollection of my grandfather, since he passed when I was a baby, and I would have thought he would know this.  I also have never seen or sensed him around me, so it was odd to hear that he has been here and I did not know it.  I came home and shared the story with Eric and said, you know, I need some clarification or validation of some sort.. and literally put it out there, stating alound my thanks and appreciation, and my desire for a little clarification or validation to clear up some of my confusion.

My daughter came to visit for the week, she just arrived Sunday.  Sadly, yesterday my husband's grandmother passed away, and my husband came home from lunch yesterday to share this with my daughter and I, and it was sad.  Last night, I was in my daughter's room talking about Eric's grandmother when I commented how odd it was that I did not know she had passed, though I did understand.  What I mean is, usually when someone becomes terminally ill and gets close, I can usually feel it if not more.  However, as much as I loved Eric's grandmother, and she loved me too, I can understand that her energy and spirit would find many others and not so much me - and I was just talking and saying this to my daughter, when she said that did seem odd, but that I should know her grandfather has been around in the house.

My daughter's grandfather passed away about a year or so ago - and they were very close - and all of a sudden, I got quite the chill and the instant knowing I have not felt in bit.  I looked at her and said.. how do you know he has been here?  She remarked that she had arrived and put her things away in her room and went downstairs yesterday.  When she returned back up to her room, his funeral card was on the floor in front of her closet, and she picked it off the floor and showed it to me.  

I had cleaned her room myself, and there were no cards on the floor.  I had just been in there the morning she got home and had put shoes in the closet, and there were no cards or things on the floor.  I did not even know she had a card of his still here at my house.. and there it was.  And all of a sudden, I realized that the grandfather the medium was talking about was not my grandfather, but my daughter's, and as I went through the story, all the strange points that were odd in relation to me, were right on the nose in relation to my daughter's grandfather - right down to the fact that I never called him by his name, but instead called him Dad.

While my daughter's father looks very much like his mother, he also in many ways resembles his father as well.  and in personality, my daughter remarked that he is exactly like his father.  It would explain why he found it so confusing to the medium that I would not be able to confirm or validate things he was saying.  When I asked my daughter about the car handle, she said, and even she paled in answering, that his last fall, he was outside and had tried to grab the car handle as he fell and missed it.   

My daughter is staying with her father since this summer while she goes to school in the city he lives in - and certainly if her grandfather wanted to just say hi to her, he could access her there in his home with his son and wife there - and I do not know that he has not - just that it felt pretty special that he made himself known this week,  And I think that is important, because I dont know that I would have recognized him had she not shown him to me - she was very very close to him and would recognize him anywhere, Id bet, and while I loved him, I havent been with her father in over 15 years, so I doubt I would recognize him without her help.

And I did ask for help - 

Thanksgiving

So I am going through my tarot deck trying to find a picture that best depicts me this morning.  The problem is that because Tarot is a picture of us, all of us, it was really hard to find just one, because about 40 of them, at least, were pictures of me and how I am feeling.  I think it would also vary from deck to deck, but I am using the Gaian Tarot by Johanna Powell Colbert - for a number of reasons.  First, its the deck I am now using every day, one because I love it, also because Im still in the process of learning how to read with a deck other than Rider Waite and I am not going back to old habits of going back to Rider Waite because it is easier for me.  Third, I love this deck because its a personalized view of the Tarot with real people in it, and I think its more appropriate for me this morning as I go through trying to find myself.  

The first thing I am grateful for this morning is Tarot.  Tarot changed my life, it has opened up the universe for me and has given me a path to find myself and to understand myself and others and the world in ways I struggled to prior.  I am also grateful to my mentors Ruth Ann and Wald Amberstone, for showing me the map and giving me the dictionary, if you will, to better find my way through.  My life changed the day I took my frist class, and has never been the same (which is a good thing).  That first class was on the magician, and I am greatful for the magician who holds all the tools I will ever need in my life - and I am greatful for the person who made me believe I had the power and ability to use those tools and make my dreams come true.  

As I go through my deck, trying to find the card that most embodies me, I find the high priestess, and I am grateful for her wisdom and her intuition she shares.  I have loved our silent walks together on the beach and her loving support of me always.

I then start hitting the birthcards of those in my life, the first of my daughter, my hierophant/temperance person who has not stopped teaching me things since she was born, some of them amazing, some of them not so much, some I think are the biggest things for me right now, which I am not enjoying - but I am grateful for nonetheless.  I miss her but I am grateful there are telephones to chat, even if the time is never long enough, and I am grateful that she is okay and doing well and seems happy, even if it is not with me right now.  I am grateful to all the angels and guides who surround her, watching over her and keeping her safe.

The Lovers card, one of my birth cards, brings to mind all the love and friendship I have encountered over the last year which has blessed my life and made transitions bearable.  In particular, I am greatful for the love and friendship my husband brings to my life, which is so much nicer and more colorful and calmer with him in it.  I am grateful for the balance he brings to my life, among other things.  His card of chariot comes after mine, and I am greatful for those chariot qualities he has which help ground me.  I am greatful for his tower where my devil loves to play - though I myself would not enjoy that too much, I am grateful that he finds the blessing in that and that he is the kind of strong and amazing person who never lets my devil intimidate him.

My brother's cards of Strength/Star then come up - and he is one of the things I am most greatful for this year. I am grateful for all the time he has spent listening and all the words of wisdom and support and healing he has given me.  I am grateful that my parents had him, I wish things had been and were right now easier for him, but I am grateful for the caring and wiser person these things have made him, and that he has been able to share these things with me and help me too. 

Im not too fiery today, I realize, as I go through my wands.  As I reach the Queen of Wands, though, I am greatful to her - her energy, her loyalty, those things about her that make me Me.  Today, her cat stands out to me most - and I think of TC, the cat I wish would find another home.  I am grateful for his unconditional and worshipful love - I have never had a cat consider himself in love with me before, and I am humbled by this and flattered and blessed and grateful, though I still wish he would find another home.

This is the 2 of Water in the Gaian Tarot and it brings to mind the gratitude I have for my Gremlin - Now, Gremlin looks nothing like this dog.. he is a gold and black yorkie, and I do not look anything like the woman in this card.  But I love their faces.. and the adoration and respect they have between the two of them, and that is how I feel about Gremlin.  I know he is my guide here.  Im convinced he saved my life this past week when I was almost in a terrible accident.. and even if he did none of those thing - I could still never express the gratitude and love I feel for this spirit in my life, he is the most amazing creature I have ever encountered and blesses my life every second of every day.

The six of water is a picture of some older women swiming naked together in a lake holding hands.  This card is about community and friendship, I think.. and I feel grateful for all my girlfriends who have blessed my life here in Greensboro.  We have shared some amazing moments of fun and laughter and also some tears and sad stuff, and I am so grateful to have them in my life to share and experience these things together - I am grateful for all the experiences they have shared with me.

Wow -  I am kind of blown away here by the way I can find everyone around me here in my tarot deck - and most of my experiences of this past year here as well.  Why am I surprised - i have no idea, because I know this is what a Tarot deck is.. a picture of the universe, and picture of myself and my world.. I know this.. but I guess I have never literally sat down and gone card by card and really labeled it all, and I could do that.. i could take each card here and attach it to something or someone in my life right now today ongoing.. all 78 cards.  

Finally, though, I come to the original card I chose for me, the 9 of Earth, which here is a picture of the deck creater in a field of lavender, looking very content and happy, and rightfully so!  This is the card I wish to embody today - of looking around me and having everything feel soothing and abundant and smelling like Lavender or feeling the way I do when I smell Lavender.  

Thank you for reading this and sharing this and supporting me, whoever you are.. I am grateful to you also, even if I do not know you, because you are also giving to me invaluable gifts just by reading here.  I hope you have a wonderful and blessed holiday and take some time to count your blessings, because you have many.  And if you are not sure what they are, take out your tarot deck, or get one if you dont have one yet, and start looking card by card and I assure you, you will find at least 78 blessings right there in your hand. ~ Namaste  

I am blessed by the turning of The Wheel

With my work and career slowly but surely going the way of the dinosaur, Ive been working on different things to do with my life, which has been an adventure, frustrating.. tedious.. mysterious.. slow. In trying to answer the question of what I really love doing the most and how do I make my life about that, Ive been trying to plug into how do I really make that happen? I love reading Tarot, I finally have studied and worked and learned where I am using those things to help other people and myself.. but getting the message out there has been challenging. I love my computer and the internet and the way the whole world seems open in ways in was not even 10 years ago, working with it has been tough for me. I have a billion books, and could literally make this into a full time job. Its awesome.. but overwhelming at the same time. On explaining this, Eric suggested I try getting an agent or intern, which I never thought of and we decided to try it. So.. I have an intern/agent now. =) Which of course led me back to all the aggravation and confusion surrounding my website, which I did manage to locate in cyberville. But hopefully we are revamping that!

Of course, as with any task that we find challenging and frustrating, it is taking me forever to get this moving along, but I am slowly doing so, accent on the sloooowly. Just before the Blue Moon, I pulled the following cards from the Guaian Tarot, in answer to the question "What do I most need to be working on this week?"

1. What I have: Canoe Reversed: This would be the equivalent of the Chariot reversed, which talks about scattered energy and progress being difficult. Um - ya! I love this deck though, because in addition to offering meanings, the creator of the deck, Joanna Powel Colbert, also offers questions to ask yourself related to a particular card as well as some great affirmations. It gives the querent a lot more to think about and more depth to the questions and answers. Questions associated with this were things like, what goal do I need to focus on, what path am I on, where or how do I need to exercise self-discipline in my life, am I making progress on my journey, what does success mean to me? I can see how the reversal really let me know that I need to be contemplating these issues and starting to answer or formulate the answers to some of these questions.

2. What I need to know: The Wheel. Loved this. I like that the wheel is upright, but I think the reversal of the previous card feels like it is slowing the energy of the wheel a bit.. like its starting to move or just getting started to move, but its not in full moving energy. Really experiencing the pace of the outside of the Wheel of Fortune can be a pretty frenzied experience, and while I dont really love frenzy, I feel like getting things underway in my life really needs that kind of push.. So I like that its on its way.. Questions associated with this card were things like what is changing in my life - I can say, everything. My response - I could be handling it better, but I am trying. Am I resisting - uh, yeah! How do I stay centered - I grab a spoke and hold on as tightly as i can! What can I control.. and what is beyond my control - working on it..lol. What kind of healing does the wheel offer - this was a new perspective for me in thinking about the wheel.. I never thought about it as a healing thing, but I like that idea.

3. What I get: 7 of Earth. Im seeing this as well. I am slowly marking off things on my To Do List, one thing at a time, but its a lengthy list, some numbers without an item. Usually things never move fast enough for me, and this time is no different, but Im also recognizing that as I move and work with different issues and obstacles, I am slowly moving through this state of tail-chasing activity and getting closer, even if only 1 step at a time, to what I want.

Ive gotten some expertise support, I just put up my Facebook tarot page - be sure to check it out! Im hoping to have more contacts and movement starting this fall as I head into winter. Ive started reading a new book on manifestation and hope to start working on that better, more on this later. Slowly im knocking off each pentacle, one by one.

The affirmation associated with this card: I trus that my efforts are growing to fruition in their own good time. =) Yeeeaahh!!

the big C

Ive been wanting to watch this series for a while. I started watching it when it first came out On Demand, but did not really get into it too much. Then when the third season started, I thought maybe I did not give it enough of a chance, as I love most of the other series on Showtime and HBO. So I bought the first season last week and spent Sunday watching it.

Wow!! What an amazing show and worth my time and money, and I cant wait to get the second season, so I can take advantage of the On Demand and watch the third!

One of the reasons I love shows like this, and this show in particular, is because its written with the gift of seeming like it is about one thing, but turns out to be about something else entirely. For instance, if you remember or got to see the show Six Feet Under, which was centered around a funeral home and each episode started out and was about issues surrounding a usually unfortunate death, the beauty about the show was it was far more about life.

The big C is also like this. The big C refers to cancer and the main character Cathy finding out she has stage IV melanoma and choosing not to have treatment and how that plays out. The thing with her is, she doesnt want to tell anyone, and this first season is about how she lives her day to day life with this secret and not telling anyone. Im not sure if the intent of this show or label is comedy, who would be so tasteless..lol.. I think its a dramedy because there are scenes that lend to some pretty funny situations, all surrounding the premise.. what would happen differently if the person speaking or relating to Cathy knew she had cancer? As the viewer, we know the scene in front of us would be playing out a lot differently, which is where the beauty of the stories in this series lie, because Cathy deals with everyone as though she doesnt have cancer, but she does.

Most of the humor in this is found through the other characters. For instance, Cathy's marriage is on the rocks, not because she has cancer and had an epiphany and threw him out.. she did that before she was diagnosed. But on the day she finds out she has cancer, her husband is complaining to her about having so sleep at his sister's. We see him going on and on.. and we understand pretty much in the first episode, and definitely by the second, exactly why she wanted space from him. And as self-centered as he is, and as much as we can relate to how Cathy feels about him.. the looming question over the whole series comes to mind.. would he be this way if he knew? If he knew, would it help him to change, could he change? Why doesnt she tell him so he can be there for her.. ? Oliver Platt plays her selfish, self-absorbed, walking emotion of a husband to excellence.. hes hysterical, and imagine that in a cancer show!

While Oliver Platt offers the comic relief of this show, it is offset by scenes Cathy has with her son. Cathy has a 15-year-old son, and her scenes with him are what really hit me most. Her son will do typial teenage things.. and is in that push mom and parent away stage.. and again you come to that thought, if he knew his mother was sick, he wouldnt do the things he does.. he would not say the things he says. How much more patience she has with him, painfully aware of how important every word she speaks to him is now.. every encounter she has with him. She cancels his soccer camp, and we understand why, its her last few months with him.. but he doesnt because he does not know. And his reaction is totally understandable, but angrily bitter, and we are watching thinking, "tell him!" only to see her take it all in.. and at the end of the night sneak in and sleep on the floor by his bed or take silly pics of the two of them with her phone, most of the time with the eye roll.. and through him is really where we see her grieve and we grieve for her and understand why she cannot find the words.

Throughout this series we see Cathy interacting with some really angry, troubled people and see her handle them with patience and love and care, which we are aware she would not have done prior to being diagnosed with terminal cancer - a miserable, cranky old lady neighbor, a tough student who is so unhealthy and wants to quit school, her insane brother who insists on being homeless and dumpster dive and her acceptance of him leading to a beautiful bonding and undersanding between them, not through him finding out about her cancer, but through her accepting and loving him and remembering and finding those things about him she loves best.

All the relationships surround the idea of how we treat people.. how unplugged we tend to be in our lives, until all of a sudden our lives are not as long as we thought they would be. What happens to us when our lives become shortened that makes us more patient? Why does it take a diagnosis of terminal cancer before we reach out to our neighbor across the street and find out their name or story? Why can we find acceptance, tolerance and love of those closest to us only during those times we are faced with losing them permanently?

In a lot of scenes in this show, the viewer is thinking, "you would not say that if you knew she was dying" or "you would not be doing that if you knew she was dying," but I think the real point is, if it is that bad or insensitive why do it at all?

Would you say that if you knew those were the last words someone would remember of you?
Would you do that if that was the last memory the person at the receiving end of that note or call from you were to have?

Would you say or do whatever it is that is on your mind to do, if you knew the person in front of you had cancer?

I cultivate Patience

This image is from the Gaian Tarot by Joanna Powell Colbert. I came across it at the Readers Studio this past year. Actually, its been out and used for a number of years, but it was this past Readers Studio where I thought I might really be able to use it myself.

Those of you who know me know I only read with 1 deck, the Rider Waite. Its the deck that was given to me many years ago, my first deck, and the deck Ive always used and the one I have used when taking classes, etc. I have many, many other decks, but I have always only read with my Rider Waite. Any time I have tried reading with other decks, I always end up describing how that image looks in the Rider Waite, so I gave up trying to use other decks to read, because it seemed kind of stupid to do a reading that always consisted of, "In the Rider Waite deck this looks like..."

However, at the Readers Studio this past year, about 2/3 of readers there were using the Gaian deck and I surprised myself by actually not only being able to understand what the pictures were saying without converting it into Rider Waite images for myself, but also really enjoying it in some ways moreso.. I found more meaning in some cards, different more applicable meanings in others. I was not able to buy myself the deck at the Studio, she was sold out, and I finally got my hands on a copy back here in Greensboro from Eclectic by Nature. So I am now working on learning and mastering this deck. Its totally different than anything I am used to, so I am having a bit of a learning curve, but i LOVE this deck and the book that comes with it has given me sooo many new ideas and things to think about, which I am totally loving. I love the journaling questions and the affirmations for each card!

So I am at a place now where I have extra time, which freaks me out, but also is allowing me to get back into my tarot meditation groove, which I think I really need at this point. So I am starting my week, and hopefully my days but we will see, with a reading for the week, simply asking, "What do I need to know about this week..?"

What I currently have: The deck insisted on 2 cards.. literally. Like, I do my shuffle and 2 cards pop out, and I say, I dont know which one, you will have to be more specific please.. (This usually does the trick). I continue my shuffle, and I continue to get 2 cards, so I pull them out and use them for this position. Very interesting though: Guardian of Air reversed (equivalent to the Queen of Swords) and 8 of Earth. And this absolutely covers exactly where I am, and on thinking about my space, I can see why it takes 2 cards to cover it. I am definitely having some communications and judgment issues and how I think about this and how I deal with it and do not deal with it. This past weekend it came to my attention that pretty harsh and judgmental thoughts are being shared about my parenting/relationship issues with my daughter, and some pretty negative and many untrue things are being shared about that with, of course, everyone except directly with me. Very typical of my family, but rather frustrating and hurtful anyway.

I loved the 8 of Earth, though, and Joanna's interpretations of this, which addressed other things I am working on and gave me much to consider. Its the card I chose to put on my desk to contemplate because, frankly, I am sick of contemplating the Guardian of Air Reversed and perseverating on all those issues surrounding it. I feel like all I have done all weekend is perseverate on all that junk, and maybe what I need to be doing, instead, is working with issues and things I can control and work with, as opposed to what other people think and the unfair, unkind and unhealthy ways they choose express or not express them, and in turn, the unkind, unfair and unhealthy ways I choose to internalize them.

The 8 of Earh is a picture of a father and daughter drumming together, where he is teaching her and guiding her, and they find their rhythm and connection to each other and earth.. and this is also what have decided to work on; finding my rhythm in coming back to practicing and working my craft and to myself. I have felt so off balance over these last months, and gotten so far away from me and my rhythm, that I am working now on getting back to my "drumming," and finding my rhythm and routine within me. Finding my way back to the paths that lead me to learning and growing and eventually sharing.. but literally doing the work through routine and ritual, things I have not done in forever. They require patience, which has never been my strong suit for sure.. and so its been harder to find time to meditate or read or write because I feel such an impatience, not impatience for getting somewhere, but almost an inability to slow down and just be.. and I know it is a block and I know that I need to start chipping away at it and have been thinking on how to do this.

First, I had to make up my mind to do it.. and that took a bit. I was at first busy with excuses like, I dont have anything to say or write. Then it was.. I dont know how to write what I want to say.. but Ive realized that is just a block, because in order to learn that, you have to do it, and I know this. Then it was that I didnt have the patience to sit and do readings and was not really getting any insight, but its hard to get that when you dont sit down and you dont get quiet.. and acknowledging that and why.. well, thats what ive been up to for the past two weeks.

And the Universe has been more than happy to assist me with this, though not in a way Im appreciating too much. One of my contracts bores me to tears to the point that Id rather blog here or even meditate rather than read those reports..lol. Another contract I have is on hiatus, with no answer as to when its coming back, which is taking a huge hit to my bank account. Which prevents me from doing my other activities I love in stead of sitting still and being quiet, shopping. Cant do that without working, and cannot do the quiet thing when I have too much work. It is amazing how this happens, isnt it? I get the message: I either do it on my own, or I will get unwanted, but needed, assistance.

I can see so many teachers sitting next to me drumming.. waiting for me to have a seat... just like this picture.

And this is just on the first 2 cards of the first position: What I have. I havent even gotten to the other 2 cards.. which will have to wait until tomorrow, as I really do need to get to these reviews before I have to spend my extra time job hunting instead of contemplating my life as it is now..LOL.

WOW!!

Wow - its been almost a year since I last blogged! I really cannot believe its been so long, and yet when I look back on the past year, I can believe it! This past year has probably been one of the toughest ones of my life, or at least one of the toughest ones I can remember, which is enough, believe me! Part of the reason I have not blogged is because I literally could not remember my sign on info..LOL. Excuses, I know!

Interestingly, I picked the Ace of Swords for this entry because it has a lot to do with my new "project" of writing; however, as I blog this, I also realize it describes a lot of what my last year has been like and I find the correspondence interesting since I think I did not choose it that way, but obviously I did!

So this time last year, my daughter was away at camp for the summer, getting ready to come home soon and begin college. I was a month away from beginning to make plans for the cruise for my father's birthday, which would be the beginning of the end of my immediate family as I know it. I was getting ready to study and eventually pass an exam for my CMT certification to keep my job - which I ended up losing anyway. And that is to say nothing of the adventure we have had with my daughter in college. The Ace holds the entire suit from 2-10 and its possibilities, and I can say that I started out this time last year at a crossroads, so to speak, embodying the woman sitting quietly contemplating choices, on that lake.. eyes closed, hands heavy with those swords.. and went through the entire suit in the last year, one by one..

How do you blog an entire's year's suit in 1 entry? Why do so? Maybe I will break this up into a number of blogs.. ? What motivates me to do so is that once again I find myself sitting on that bench trying to make decisions, contemplating, wondering, with a sword in each hand.

I went to the Readers Studio this year. I love going there.. and I never come home empty-headed, even when I think I do, I dont, and this year was no different. I got a reading from a new person to me, Sheilaa Hite, and I loved the reading, btw. Her question to me: Why arent you writing? My answer: I dont have anything to say. Her reply: Why arent you writing?

So since I have been home, I have been contemplating the question - why arent I writing? Im still not sure I know. Originally I thought it was because I do not have anything to say. So Im thinking.. what does one write when they do not have anything to say? Is that what writer's block is? I called my brother, who is a writer, who teaches teachers how to teach writing.. and I say, How do I write when I do not have anything to say? He got kind of angry with me.. actually I think it was more frustration. He said, You have plenty to say! I said.. okay, then how come I cannot write? Thats when he kind of got that frustrated, indignant tone.. and said it was because people think it is easy to write, when really writing is hard.

Ok... writing is hard, not because it is hard to write, or to know what to write, but because it makes us vulnerable, I think. What if I write something that others think is arrogant, stupid, too personal - I think that is what I struggle with the most, the too personal and meandering thing.. My thoughts are personal, and private, unless I blog them..lol. And how personally or intimately do I want others to be with me - or maybe if they knew too much, they would know too much.

Tarot is personal, very personal and very intimate when read properly. I mean, ya, Tarot can be fluffy too, just like those horoscopes you read in the newspaper or online. Seriously those things are fluffy, and Im always astounded by how many people like that. I have friends who even subscribed to tarot sites where they get a card a day delivered to their pages, and when I read them, Im like.. who wrote this garbage?! I even asked one of my friends to unsubscribe to one of those things because it was so negative and gloom and doom, and had nothing to do with that card's meaning! Drove me crazy every morning to see that..LOL

So.. im back and I will be blogging.. id like to say daily, but maybe not. Weekly for sure! I need to start somewhere.. and while I cannot catch up on the whole year, Im thinking it will slowly unfold anyway, because this past year is still not done, which is part of my problem. =)

I will be doing a once a week reading.. and will be trying to choose a card a day as I am inspired, maybe a tarot card, maybe an angelic card or oracle card.. or maybe a Louise Hay card (I love her, btw).

And Im thinking some amazing thoughts will be manifesting, because that is what the Ace of Swords is all about and where I am today - So enjoy!

Quit Job..

Ive been working two or more jobs for the past 6 years or more. It just seems to be the nature of the work I do. It is very hard to trust a lot of the companies these days, so one usually has, in my field, more than one company to work with so that in the event one company loses contracts or downsizes or slows down, you have a backup. Unfortunately, MTSOs in my business do not give you notice if they lose a contract or if they make other choices that would result in less income, it just kind of happens and then you are stuck, if you dont have a backup, trying to figure out how you are going to make ends meet.

The other reason I started working two jobs is because we needed the income. When we moved to Greensboro, I was to only work one job; however, between the costs of moving and my daughter's school, our bills were just not getting paid, so I ended up taking on additional contracts to cover the expenses.

I have been working with one company for about six years, and while the first three or four were great, the last two have been horrible, demeaning, demoralizing, I could go on and on. I originally started out typing, then editing and then was promoted to account management, which I do love doing. But with this company, it became an issue more and more where I would have to really treat people as disposable and become as inconsiderate and demoralizing and demeaning to others - requiring them to do things like work in the middle of the night or during times that normal people would not work.. or things like that. If work dried up because we were over-staffed I would be placed in positions of having no choices to how to help people. And my own time was just taken advantage of. I did not vacation without working or if I wanted to vacation, I was responsible for finding coverage as opposed to them, which was never available. It was stressful to vacation and stressful to work nonstop. So after being tired of that type of stress and not wanting to represent that type of treatment to others, I stepped down to just edit.

When I did so, I was offered the hourly rate I had before my promotion and my normal PTO, and insurance. Six months later, I was told I was being moved to production, and literally, after working for this company for 3-4 years, I was given a pay cut. Then they did the great trick of all these companies that promote themselves as offering health insurance.. they have insurance that unless you live in the state they are in, you cannot afford to take advantage of the benefits. Mind you - my type of work is all telecomuting with employees hired all over the country. So if you are a company that has that, its pretty ridiculous to get insurance that only affordably covers those in your state, when no one who works for you outside the office lives in that state! This forced me to get coverage through my husband, and when I asked to be compensated a little extra since I had to do that, I did not even get the benefit of a response. So in essence, they were pocketing the $200+ dollars a month that normally they would have to pay for my insurance.. AND lowering my salary.

I stayed anyway, because it was a great editing job in that I had worked for years editing it, and I could read through the files pretty quickly, etc. Then about a year ago, maybe 9 months ago, they decided that the offshores whose work we were reading were doing well, they allowed them to send their reports straight to the clients - basically leaving me and the other editors with no work except blanks they have.. which was about 10% of the work we originally had.

Had I not had another job, I would have been in serious trouble. They never gave us notice of this choice, and my supervisor flat-out lied when she said she had no idea this was being done. Of course she knew - how could she not?

This came to bite them all in the rear, as the offshored work was so bad, the clients almost left - so then we were busy again - only now we had to fully listen to these files, which, again, cuts production time in half. So I had my salary cut by 25%, then another 50%. Because I had another job, I stuck with it, it was good extra money.. But the offshores then only did 1 level of quality assurance, whereas they used to do 2-3. Slowing us down even more, salary cut again in half... which led me to the last 2 months..

With my daughter having graduated her private school and heading out to college, I have been really playing with the idea of cutting my losses with this particular company. But leaving and making that final decision has been hard, because it leaves me working with just one company and trusting that it will be enough and work out. And its always been a security blanket for me regardless..

Ive realized that my gallbladder slowly filled with stones and disease over crap ive walked around with since I was a teenager - eventually making me sick enough that it had to be removed. At that point, i worked on letting go of the past and viewing the removal as almost childhood garbage being taken out.

Over the past few months, its come to my attention that I now have something growing on my ovary - and Im being monitored to see if it grows and also my blood levels to see if they rise.. and it occurs to me that Im still carrying around crap. And I really think a lot of it surrounds my feelings about myself allowing myself to be part of situations that are hurtful, demoralizing and demeaning.. and this job is one of those things. My old "friends" I think were also part of that. So I hve been working on this sitaution of how do I release this stuff so I am not walking around with this kind of negative, destructive energy that is diseasing my body?

So I am taking the leap - and of course I do a reading on this:
What I have: Page of Swords
What I need to know: Ace of Swords
Outcome: Judgment

This sword has definitely been double edged and I have a few cuts already from my choice to leave. Because I did not work as much as I am "scheduled" to, which is not any more or less than I have for the last two months, on my last day of notice, they fired me, and are now keeping my accured PTO of 20 hours. I didnt even know I had that much - and its bugging me, not because I counted on that money, but because it just feels like another kick of stealing and robbing and thieving from me that they have been doing for the last 2 years.

So I need to release this - and that is my task so it can wrap up. I know from judgment it will work out the way it is supposed to.. and I know releasing this will open me up to new opportunities and things waiting for me that I would not be able to see or take advantage of without making room.

But I my feelings about this.. urrrgh.. thats a harder task. I guess that will be this weekend's question.. how do i release my intense feelings about these people and keep it from continuing to eat at me?