the big C

Ive been wanting to watch this series for a while. I started watching it when it first came out On Demand, but did not really get into it too much. Then when the third season started, I thought maybe I did not give it enough of a chance, as I love most of the other series on Showtime and HBO. So I bought the first season last week and spent Sunday watching it.

Wow!! What an amazing show and worth my time and money, and I cant wait to get the second season, so I can take advantage of the On Demand and watch the third!

One of the reasons I love shows like this, and this show in particular, is because its written with the gift of seeming like it is about one thing, but turns out to be about something else entirely. For instance, if you remember or got to see the show Six Feet Under, which was centered around a funeral home and each episode started out and was about issues surrounding a usually unfortunate death, the beauty about the show was it was far more about life.

The big C is also like this. The big C refers to cancer and the main character Cathy finding out she has stage IV melanoma and choosing not to have treatment and how that plays out. The thing with her is, she doesnt want to tell anyone, and this first season is about how she lives her day to day life with this secret and not telling anyone. Im not sure if the intent of this show or label is comedy, who would be so tasteless..lol.. I think its a dramedy because there are scenes that lend to some pretty funny situations, all surrounding the premise.. what would happen differently if the person speaking or relating to Cathy knew she had cancer? As the viewer, we know the scene in front of us would be playing out a lot differently, which is where the beauty of the stories in this series lie, because Cathy deals with everyone as though she doesnt have cancer, but she does.

Most of the humor in this is found through the other characters. For instance, Cathy's marriage is on the rocks, not because she has cancer and had an epiphany and threw him out.. she did that before she was diagnosed. But on the day she finds out she has cancer, her husband is complaining to her about having so sleep at his sister's. We see him going on and on.. and we understand pretty much in the first episode, and definitely by the second, exactly why she wanted space from him. And as self-centered as he is, and as much as we can relate to how Cathy feels about him.. the looming question over the whole series comes to mind.. would he be this way if he knew? If he knew, would it help him to change, could he change? Why doesnt she tell him so he can be there for her.. ? Oliver Platt plays her selfish, self-absorbed, walking emotion of a husband to excellence.. hes hysterical, and imagine that in a cancer show!

While Oliver Platt offers the comic relief of this show, it is offset by scenes Cathy has with her son. Cathy has a 15-year-old son, and her scenes with him are what really hit me most. Her son will do typial teenage things.. and is in that push mom and parent away stage.. and again you come to that thought, if he knew his mother was sick, he wouldnt do the things he does.. he would not say the things he says. How much more patience she has with him, painfully aware of how important every word she speaks to him is now.. every encounter she has with him. She cancels his soccer camp, and we understand why, its her last few months with him.. but he doesnt because he does not know. And his reaction is totally understandable, but angrily bitter, and we are watching thinking, "tell him!" only to see her take it all in.. and at the end of the night sneak in and sleep on the floor by his bed or take silly pics of the two of them with her phone, most of the time with the eye roll.. and through him is really where we see her grieve and we grieve for her and understand why she cannot find the words.

Throughout this series we see Cathy interacting with some really angry, troubled people and see her handle them with patience and love and care, which we are aware she would not have done prior to being diagnosed with terminal cancer - a miserable, cranky old lady neighbor, a tough student who is so unhealthy and wants to quit school, her insane brother who insists on being homeless and dumpster dive and her acceptance of him leading to a beautiful bonding and undersanding between them, not through him finding out about her cancer, but through her accepting and loving him and remembering and finding those things about him she loves best.

All the relationships surround the idea of how we treat people.. how unplugged we tend to be in our lives, until all of a sudden our lives are not as long as we thought they would be. What happens to us when our lives become shortened that makes us more patient? Why does it take a diagnosis of terminal cancer before we reach out to our neighbor across the street and find out their name or story? Why can we find acceptance, tolerance and love of those closest to us only during those times we are faced with losing them permanently?

In a lot of scenes in this show, the viewer is thinking, "you would not say that if you knew she was dying" or "you would not be doing that if you knew she was dying," but I think the real point is, if it is that bad or insensitive why do it at all?

Would you say that if you knew those were the last words someone would remember of you?
Would you do that if that was the last memory the person at the receiving end of that note or call from you were to have?

Would you say or do whatever it is that is on your mind to do, if you knew the person in front of you had cancer?

I cultivate Patience

This image is from the Gaian Tarot by Joanna Powell Colbert. I came across it at the Readers Studio this past year. Actually, its been out and used for a number of years, but it was this past Readers Studio where I thought I might really be able to use it myself.

Those of you who know me know I only read with 1 deck, the Rider Waite. Its the deck that was given to me many years ago, my first deck, and the deck Ive always used and the one I have used when taking classes, etc. I have many, many other decks, but I have always only read with my Rider Waite. Any time I have tried reading with other decks, I always end up describing how that image looks in the Rider Waite, so I gave up trying to use other decks to read, because it seemed kind of stupid to do a reading that always consisted of, "In the Rider Waite deck this looks like..."

However, at the Readers Studio this past year, about 2/3 of readers there were using the Gaian deck and I surprised myself by actually not only being able to understand what the pictures were saying without converting it into Rider Waite images for myself, but also really enjoying it in some ways moreso.. I found more meaning in some cards, different more applicable meanings in others. I was not able to buy myself the deck at the Studio, she was sold out, and I finally got my hands on a copy back here in Greensboro from Eclectic by Nature. So I am now working on learning and mastering this deck. Its totally different than anything I am used to, so I am having a bit of a learning curve, but i LOVE this deck and the book that comes with it has given me sooo many new ideas and things to think about, which I am totally loving. I love the journaling questions and the affirmations for each card!

So I am at a place now where I have extra time, which freaks me out, but also is allowing me to get back into my tarot meditation groove, which I think I really need at this point. So I am starting my week, and hopefully my days but we will see, with a reading for the week, simply asking, "What do I need to know about this week..?"

What I currently have: The deck insisted on 2 cards.. literally. Like, I do my shuffle and 2 cards pop out, and I say, I dont know which one, you will have to be more specific please.. (This usually does the trick). I continue my shuffle, and I continue to get 2 cards, so I pull them out and use them for this position. Very interesting though: Guardian of Air reversed (equivalent to the Queen of Swords) and 8 of Earth. And this absolutely covers exactly where I am, and on thinking about my space, I can see why it takes 2 cards to cover it. I am definitely having some communications and judgment issues and how I think about this and how I deal with it and do not deal with it. This past weekend it came to my attention that pretty harsh and judgmental thoughts are being shared about my parenting/relationship issues with my daughter, and some pretty negative and many untrue things are being shared about that with, of course, everyone except directly with me. Very typical of my family, but rather frustrating and hurtful anyway.

I loved the 8 of Earth, though, and Joanna's interpretations of this, which addressed other things I am working on and gave me much to consider. Its the card I chose to put on my desk to contemplate because, frankly, I am sick of contemplating the Guardian of Air Reversed and perseverating on all those issues surrounding it. I feel like all I have done all weekend is perseverate on all that junk, and maybe what I need to be doing, instead, is working with issues and things I can control and work with, as opposed to what other people think and the unfair, unkind and unhealthy ways they choose express or not express them, and in turn, the unkind, unfair and unhealthy ways I choose to internalize them.

The 8 of Earh is a picture of a father and daughter drumming together, where he is teaching her and guiding her, and they find their rhythm and connection to each other and earth.. and this is also what have decided to work on; finding my rhythm in coming back to practicing and working my craft and to myself. I have felt so off balance over these last months, and gotten so far away from me and my rhythm, that I am working now on getting back to my "drumming," and finding my rhythm and routine within me. Finding my way back to the paths that lead me to learning and growing and eventually sharing.. but literally doing the work through routine and ritual, things I have not done in forever. They require patience, which has never been my strong suit for sure.. and so its been harder to find time to meditate or read or write because I feel such an impatience, not impatience for getting somewhere, but almost an inability to slow down and just be.. and I know it is a block and I know that I need to start chipping away at it and have been thinking on how to do this.

First, I had to make up my mind to do it.. and that took a bit. I was at first busy with excuses like, I dont have anything to say or write. Then it was.. I dont know how to write what I want to say.. but Ive realized that is just a block, because in order to learn that, you have to do it, and I know this. Then it was that I didnt have the patience to sit and do readings and was not really getting any insight, but its hard to get that when you dont sit down and you dont get quiet.. and acknowledging that and why.. well, thats what ive been up to for the past two weeks.

And the Universe has been more than happy to assist me with this, though not in a way Im appreciating too much. One of my contracts bores me to tears to the point that Id rather blog here or even meditate rather than read those reports..lol. Another contract I have is on hiatus, with no answer as to when its coming back, which is taking a huge hit to my bank account. Which prevents me from doing my other activities I love in stead of sitting still and being quiet, shopping. Cant do that without working, and cannot do the quiet thing when I have too much work. It is amazing how this happens, isnt it? I get the message: I either do it on my own, or I will get unwanted, but needed, assistance.

I can see so many teachers sitting next to me drumming.. waiting for me to have a seat... just like this picture.

And this is just on the first 2 cards of the first position: What I have. I havent even gotten to the other 2 cards.. which will have to wait until tomorrow, as I really do need to get to these reviews before I have to spend my extra time job hunting instead of contemplating my life as it is now..LOL.

WOW!!

Wow - its been almost a year since I last blogged! I really cannot believe its been so long, and yet when I look back on the past year, I can believe it! This past year has probably been one of the toughest ones of my life, or at least one of the toughest ones I can remember, which is enough, believe me! Part of the reason I have not blogged is because I literally could not remember my sign on info..LOL. Excuses, I know!

Interestingly, I picked the Ace of Swords for this entry because it has a lot to do with my new "project" of writing; however, as I blog this, I also realize it describes a lot of what my last year has been like and I find the correspondence interesting since I think I did not choose it that way, but obviously I did!

So this time last year, my daughter was away at camp for the summer, getting ready to come home soon and begin college. I was a month away from beginning to make plans for the cruise for my father's birthday, which would be the beginning of the end of my immediate family as I know it. I was getting ready to study and eventually pass an exam for my CMT certification to keep my job - which I ended up losing anyway. And that is to say nothing of the adventure we have had with my daughter in college. The Ace holds the entire suit from 2-10 and its possibilities, and I can say that I started out this time last year at a crossroads, so to speak, embodying the woman sitting quietly contemplating choices, on that lake.. eyes closed, hands heavy with those swords.. and went through the entire suit in the last year, one by one..

How do you blog an entire's year's suit in 1 entry? Why do so? Maybe I will break this up into a number of blogs.. ? What motivates me to do so is that once again I find myself sitting on that bench trying to make decisions, contemplating, wondering, with a sword in each hand.

I went to the Readers Studio this year. I love going there.. and I never come home empty-headed, even when I think I do, I dont, and this year was no different. I got a reading from a new person to me, Sheilaa Hite, and I loved the reading, btw. Her question to me: Why arent you writing? My answer: I dont have anything to say. Her reply: Why arent you writing?

So since I have been home, I have been contemplating the question - why arent I writing? Im still not sure I know. Originally I thought it was because I do not have anything to say. So Im thinking.. what does one write when they do not have anything to say? Is that what writer's block is? I called my brother, who is a writer, who teaches teachers how to teach writing.. and I say, How do I write when I do not have anything to say? He got kind of angry with me.. actually I think it was more frustration. He said, You have plenty to say! I said.. okay, then how come I cannot write? Thats when he kind of got that frustrated, indignant tone.. and said it was because people think it is easy to write, when really writing is hard.

Ok... writing is hard, not because it is hard to write, or to know what to write, but because it makes us vulnerable, I think. What if I write something that others think is arrogant, stupid, too personal - I think that is what I struggle with the most, the too personal and meandering thing.. My thoughts are personal, and private, unless I blog them..lol. And how personally or intimately do I want others to be with me - or maybe if they knew too much, they would know too much.

Tarot is personal, very personal and very intimate when read properly. I mean, ya, Tarot can be fluffy too, just like those horoscopes you read in the newspaper or online. Seriously those things are fluffy, and Im always astounded by how many people like that. I have friends who even subscribed to tarot sites where they get a card a day delivered to their pages, and when I read them, Im like.. who wrote this garbage?! I even asked one of my friends to unsubscribe to one of those things because it was so negative and gloom and doom, and had nothing to do with that card's meaning! Drove me crazy every morning to see that..LOL

So.. im back and I will be blogging.. id like to say daily, but maybe not. Weekly for sure! I need to start somewhere.. and while I cannot catch up on the whole year, Im thinking it will slowly unfold anyway, because this past year is still not done, which is part of my problem. =)

I will be doing a once a week reading.. and will be trying to choose a card a day as I am inspired, maybe a tarot card, maybe an angelic card or oracle card.. or maybe a Louise Hay card (I love her, btw).

And Im thinking some amazing thoughts will be manifesting, because that is what the Ace of Swords is all about and where I am today - So enjoy!